Written October 30, 2009
So, I thought today I have a little time to write and I was thinkin’ it might be a good time for confessions. We all have things that we either try to hide from ourselves or from the world. Here are some of mine and I would love to hear some of yours…
…I have never met my dad. It is something that I have always thought about and have even tried to find him but I haven’t been able to. It truly breaks my heart that I have a dad somewhere that hasn’t ever wanted to meet me. As a child I always wanted my dad like other kids had…like my brother had. I think I would have been a daddy’s girl for sure. And I know it affected me a lot and I did try to search out that father figure type in all the wrong ways as I got older. I believe that is a big factor in tryin’ to keep my marriage together. Our girl’s need their father as I think all girl’s do.
…I was raped when I was 16 years old. This is something I NEVER talk about and have done a good job forgetting that it ever happened. I had run away from home with my brother and his friend. We went from Arizona to Texas. Landed in Corpus Cristie and stayed there a few days until the money ran out. Then we hitchhiked to San Antonio and pretty much lived at the bus station for a few days, just wandering the city during the day. We had met a guy there that got us some cheap liquor and got us really drunk. He convinced us that we could go to a hotel and find a room that was open to spend the night in. Yeah, that didn’t happen. I blocked out most of what happened during those weeks, so I can’t recall everything that happened. We did spend the night at a shelter and that is when I told my brother what happened the night before. I had come to my breaking point and I couldn’t be the big girl I thought I was anymore. I was just so lost and broken…I wanted to go home. I did leave a few days later and was glad to be home with the safety of my mama. She tells me that I wouldn’t talk to her about it…I don’t remember. But I do know that talking wouldn’t have changed what happened. It did and I tried hard to block it all out.
…I haven’t talked to my only brother in over 5 years and really don’t know why. We were so close as kids and teenagers with only 3 years between us. I don’t know what happened and it breaks my heart that our children don’t even know each other. He has met our 2 oldest girls only and never met our boys. And he’s due for another little man in his life any day. Family has always meant a lot to me and not knowing his family leaves a void in my life. And I sometimes get jealous of Redneck’s HUGE, close family. I guess that is why I wanted a lot of babies. To have a big, loud, rowdy family at home that couldn’t leave…well, not yet at least:O)
…Most of the time I would rather be around animals then people. People can be so complicated and object centered. Animals on the other hand give unconditional love and are always there for you and ready to listen. They don’t judge you or hold grudges or even care what your clothes or hair look like. There needs to be more of those kinds of people in the world.
…I had an abortion when I was 18. I had been living with a guy since I was 16 and then met this other man when I was 18. He was a friends ex-husband and said all the right things to a very unhappy girl of 18. I moved to Oklahoma with him form Arizona and became pregnant within the first month. I was young and dumb, as the saying goes, and hadn’t even thought about the possibility of getting pregnant. Plus, he had told me that we were going to be married and would have in Reno if I would have…it just didn’t feel right though. He was a trucker and had big plans and dreams for us. Then I told him I was pregnant and everything changed. He didn’t want the baby…it wasn’t the time and I needed to *get rid of it* as he put it. He’d gone on the road at one point and left me in a house all by myself for 2 weeks. I ended up coming back home to my mom and Nana. I wavered back and fourth about whether to have the baby or not…all the while he still had me thinking things would be wonderful…if I had an abortion. So, against my mom and grandma’s wishes I did what he wanted. It was horrible and another thing I have blocked out and don’t remember much. I saw that guy one more time after that and then never heard from him again. My whole world and who I was had changed in a matter of months. Shame on him! I was afraid I would never be able to have a family of my own and that God wouldn’t think I deserved babies….but He did and I thank Him everyday for my beautiful babies and giving me another chance. I do still think about the child I would have had…a teenager by now.
…Most of the time I hate looking in the mirror. I don’t like what I see. I am very critical of myself, almost to a fault.
Well, I think that is enough memory lane walking for me. Though there is a lot more to walk through. I hope it gives a little understanding of where I come from. And I hope it shows that everyone goes through things in life and it doesn’t need to define us. We can take something away from everything we’ve been through and make us stronger and better. My Nana and Mom used to tell me all the time God was testing me and making me stronger. I would tell them I was tired of being made stronger…could I get any stronger? And yes, He still tests me everyday…He can quit it now:O)
